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| Lawyer Funniest jokes, Short funny jokes on lawyer jokes, Clean jokes DilseComments.com |
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| Lawyer Jokes |
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A MOST UNUSUAL DEFENCE
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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| Lawyer Jokes |
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QUICKFIRE LAWYER GAGS
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips move
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honour.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: a bucket
Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
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| Lawyer Jokes |
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A ROMANTIC AT HEART
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I’m a divorce lawyer."
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| Lawyer Jokes |
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The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
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| Lawyer Jokes |
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ON HEARING THE NEWS
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."
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| Jokes of The Month |
Teacher: What do you call the person who keeps on talking when others are no longer interested?
Raj : A teacher. |
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